Dinkleberg

Ramblings of Insanity

Come join us for a spell...

Faerie Stuffs
Dinkleberg
coralinthium

So, this is from the book I told you about that I have, and hopefully it's of some use. The book I have is http://www.amazon.com/Faeries-Deluxe-Collectors-Brian-Froud/dp/0810995867/ref=reader_auth_dp

Sadly, I don't have this edition, I only have the 25th anniversary edition, so there's only 176 pages instead of 208, but details, who needs 'em, eh? (I totally do; I want the updated version it's so pretty. *grabby hands*)

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POSSIBLE ORIGINS
*Norse: Maggots emerging from the corpse of the giant Ymir transformed into Light Elves and Dark Elves.

*Icelandic: Eve was washing her children by a river when God spoke to her. She hid those she had not already washed out of awe and fear. God was all "You have all your brats here?" and she was like "Totally, dude". Then God was like "Yo, ho, you be trippin' if you be saying that, so the hidden ones shall be forever hidden from man. Word." The hidden kids became the elves or faeries and were known as Huldre Folk in Scandinavian countries. Huldre girls are supernaturally beautiful, but with long cow tails or else are hollow behind, presenting only a beautiful front.

Other places have them fallen angels; the heathen dead not good enough for Heaven but not bad enough for hell. Devon in England has them as the souls of unbaptised children, but these stem from Christianity's advent. Obviously these are only a couple of the possible origins.


They've been known to live under hills, with the Irish Gaelic word for faerie, "Sidhe" (Shee) meaning "people of the hills". Sometimes the tops rise up on pillars to reveal the lights that come from the faeries under the hill, usually some sort of party or something. Obviously you should never eat or drink something you're offered if you go to a faerie hill, since one bite or drink and you're stuck there for life. The food they serve may look delicious and like normal human food, and sometimes it is, but in most legends it's just glamored to look that way and instead is actually something like acorns, bugs, and water instead of fruit, roast meats, and fine alcohol. Faerie kisses can land you permanent residence in the faerie world, usually as a slave or servant of some sort, like those who eat or drink things at one of their feasts.

Music is something that faeries love, and if human musicians can please them, they can be heartily rewarded, and even possibly be captured if they make faeries happy enough; on the opposite end of the spectrum, if you piss them off, you can receive their anger.

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LUSMORE

There's a legend about a man named Lusmore who had a hump on his back, and he was walking home when he stopped to rest his legs. He heard beautiful music, and went to go investigate. Lusmore joined their company, and he took up the song that they were singing himself. The faeries were so pleased with this that they said "Lusmore! Lusmore! Doubt not, nor deplore, for the hump which you bore on your back is no more; look down on the floor, and view it, Lusmore!" The story of his hump became known, and he told his story to an old woman who hoped that it would help her friend's son who was also a humpback. Jack Madden, the son in question, was a bit of a douche, so when he heard the music, he was in such a hurry to get rid of his hump that he didn't even wait for the right moment to break in and start singing, and just popped in the first moment he found and bawled out words. Unfortunately for him, the faeries were pissed at this, and one said "Jack Madden, Jack Madden! Your words came so bad in the tune we felt glad in. This castle yo're had in, that your life we may sadden; here's two humps for Jack Madden!" Lusmore's hump was put upon Jack's back, and he obviously didn't survive long with such weight on his back.

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FAERIE RINGS

Circles of mushrooms that indicate where faeries have danced. This can also lead to possible captivity, but usually what happens is if non-faerie folk enter the ring and dance, the dance may seem to last only minutes, possibly an hour or two or even a whole night, but the normal duration could be much longer than that, possibly years. The dancer can be rescued by a friend who, with others holding onto their clothes, steps into the ring (one foot in, one foot out), and pulls the dancer out.

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FAERIE RADES

Faerie hierarchy is very similar to human monarchical system. The most aristocratic, variously known as the Trooping or Heroic faeries, belong to organized courts like the Seelie Court in Scotland or the Daoine Sidhe (Theena Shee) tribe of Ireland. The most impressive of their aristocratic pursuits is to ride in solemn procession, which is known as a Rade.

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PROTECTION AGAINST FAERIES

Turning clothes inside out (a glove turned inside out and tossed into a faerie ring can dispense the party-hard group); bells being rung; iron; the Bible (in Christian stories, obviously); running water (for some, not all); salt; rowan; red thread; daisy chains; stones with holes (to protect horses); St. John's wort.

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There is a cod of honor between the various faerie world citizens, they'll have no problem pilfering goods, food, and livestock from all others.
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CHANGELINGS

Blond babies are the greatest risk, and human midwives are often taken to care for a faerie baby. One legend states that every seven years, the land of Faerie has to pay a tithe of TEIND to Hell and human captives are used as payment; many other stories state that human babies are taken to grow up with faeries and to inject new blood into the faerie race.

Changelings may be an ugly old elf, or even wood that's been enchanted to look like an exact replica of the stolen child. Sometimes it then seems to die and is buried, while the real baby is brought up in Faerieland to inject a dwindling and weak stock with a fresh, healthy human strain. Should the baby replica not die, it may develop a wizened or deformed appearance, or be sickly and fretful, or else have a voracious appetite. The changeling can be forced to betray its faerie nature by various means. One is to replace it on a red-hot shovel or throw it on the fire, where it then flies up the chimney. A more common method is to go through the motions of brewing water in empty halves of eggshells. The changeling will sit up and declare "I have seen the egg before the hen. I have seen the first acorn before the oak. But I have never seen brewing in an eggshell before", thus revealing its ancient age. It can then be thrown on the fire from which, laughing and shrieking, it will fly up the chimney. The true baby will then very likely be found at the door.

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Applying faerie ointment to your eyelids (usually reserved for anointing the eyes of faerie babies with mortal mothers) will dispel the illusions cast by faeries. The mortal who dares do this on purpose can risk the faerie wrath, and be blinded as punishment. Telling a faerie which eye you saw the real thing out of will result in that eye being blinded, so never tell them. Picking a four-leaf clover and keeping it with you can also dispel faerie enchantments to your eyes.

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ELF SHOT

Small flint arrowheads, which we now know were made by Stone-Age people, were attributed to elves. Where no physical shot was in evidence it was assumed the arrowhead made no would but instead induced paralysis, and the victim would be carried away to faerieland while a replica body was left in their place to whither and die. "Stroke," in the sense of paralytic seizure, is a word we still use, probably unaware that it originally meant "Elf-stroke".


Other things like rheumatism, cramps and bruising were also exclusively ascribed to the Faerie, caused by pinching faerie fingers, caused by incurring faierie displesure. Consumption was blamed on compulsive visits at night to faerie hills, leaving the victims weak and exhausted in the morning. Infantile paralysis was due to the baby really being a changeling, and any sort of deformities (lame legs, hunched backs, etc.) were caused by the elves.

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SHAPE SHIFTING

Faeries can become immense in stature or shrink to the size of a speck of dust. Their appearance can also be drastically altered to look like whoever they want.

The Hyter Sprites of East Anglia have the ability to transform themselves into sand martins.

Cornish small people have a life cycle where each shape-shifting operation leads to a miniscule reduction in normal size, where, gradually over time, the last stage in the life cycle is reached and the faeries end their days as ants. Hence, in Cornwall, it's unlucky to kill ants.

Pixie often take the form of hedgehogs.

Some legends have dwarves spending the daylight hours as toads.

The Green Lady of Caerphilly takes on the appearance of ivy when she's not walking through the ruined castles she haunts.

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UNSEELIE COURT

Known to be thoroughly evil. While the Seelie Court members are most commonly seen around twilight, the Unseelie Court, in particular those members of it known as "The Host", fly through the air at night, snatching up any mortals unfortunate enough to fall in their path. The hapless victims are dragged along, beaten, and forced to participate in the heinous activities of their tormentors which include throwing throwing elf-shot at other men and livestock. This also includes a great variety of weird and terrifying monstrosites.

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The spirit of the birch tree is called "The One with the White Hand." If the hand touches a head it leaves a wivid white mark and inflicts madness, but if it touchees a heart it is the touch of death.


THE END!!

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And there's stuff that involves origns and some powers and stuff. There's a hell of a lot more, but since it doesn't seem like you need blurbs on some races and stuff, I won't bore you with those. So...enjoy. :3


Writer's Block: American Censorship Day!
Dinkleberg
coralinthium
Today, Congress holds hearings on the first American Internet censorship system. This bill can pass. If it does the Internet and free speech will never be the same. [Learn more here.] Do you support this bill?

LOLWUT
Dinkleberg
coralinthium
I have no clue why there are five LJ cuts leading to the same entry in the previous one, and I'm too lazy to figure it out and fix it. But they all lead to the Flynn/Clu sex scene, do enjoy.

I LIKE COMMENTS ON MY FICS, THEY MAKE MY DAY BRIGHTER. *is subtly telling you to go comment on her fic*

...But Satisfaction Made Him Horny [5/5]
Jake Neytiri
coralinthium
Link for people who don't want to read sex on the entry page. Click for Flynn/Clu sexy time!!

FLYNN/CLU SEXY TIME!!Collapse )

FLYNN/CLU SEXY TIME!!Collapse )

FLYNN/CLU SEXY TIME!!Collapse )

FLYNN/CLU SEXY TIME!!Collapse )FLYNN/CLU SEXY TIME!!Collapse )

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FFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAA--whump.
Dinkleberg
coralinthium
It's Sunday...I don't wanna do shit today. But I've got to, if I don't want to get worse than a "C" on my psych test. Or get stuck with some medical moral/ethical dilemma. Or lowering my current high "A" in my bio class. Pfaaaaa...ttttphptphtphpttt. XP

I dislike psychology tests. And psychology classes. I like learning about it if it's done documentary style, but I dislike it lecture hall style and needing to take tests on it.

Please excuse me while I go stab myself in the face. Repeatedly. With a rusty spoon that's been soaked in vodka. Thanks. *proceeds to do so, pauses* I've already got senioritis, and I'm not even a senior. I blame it on opening my bedroom windows yesterday, screwed with my brain...*goes back to previous course of action*

Sam/Edward Disney Stuffs
Dinkleberg
coralinthium
Goddamn...I don't think I can look at the song "Gaston" the same way again, despite how PG-13/15 this thing is. I blame that on...um...Dinkleberg! Curse you, Dinkleberrrrrrrrrg...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tap...tap, tap-tap. Watch alarm, surprise at alarm and hand nudging the thermos of coffee enough to make it wobble a bit, sound of chair wheels rolling as Edward Dillinger Jr. pushes the chair back so he can have a better angle to stop the thermos from falling over. Beep as button on watch is pressed to put it on snooze. Tap, tap tap tap tap tap, repeat everything from watch alarm through snooze. Tap tap...pause, tap tap--muscle spasm in leg and leg jerks to the side; cue semi-loud THUMP and muttered curses of pain as a bony knee hits the wooden desk. Dammit. Cue sound of tapping resuming as the owner of the bony knee gets back to work.

...And all this in the span of a few seconds. This time, Edward Dillinger Jr., affectionately referred to as "Ed" or "Eddy" by one Sam Flynn, was careful to make sure that there were no other sounds other than his fingers on either the keyboard or the mouse. Nobody could hear anything unusual from him, and with his ear buds firmly inside the ear canal (Boze noise cancelling ones, cost one hundred dollars, only the best for Edward Dillinger Jr.) and playing music, he couldn't hear anything usual or unusual from anyone else around him, and that was a good thing. If people knew what he was listening to while he worked, he'd never hear the end of it. Hell, he could already imagine the various Snow White-themed jokes that would be coming his way, what with whistling and dwarves working in mines that could be used to poke fun at him. So, it was for the best that he kept his ear buds in at all times when listening to this particular music. For a while now, Edward was left in peace with his work and his music, and all was good. The brunette let a contented smile form onto his lips as his fingers flew over the keyboard, the familiar motion making him start to space out a little. Yes, this would be an alright state until lunchtime...totally, perfectly--

"EDDY!!"

The sudden appearance of Sam Flynn on an open portion of his desk and moving close to his face with a big, cheesy grin made the young Dillinger freak out a little. Eyes widened and a yelp of surprise escaped his lips as hands and feet quickly pushed him away from his desk and the other man, instincts doing what they could to protect him. One hand went up to his rapidly beating heart, pressing down on it as though pressure would help to bring his heart rate back down. Frowning at Sam (not quite glaring, though it could easily turn into one), Edward shook his head as the blond cracked up for a bit at the brunette's reaction. Shit...seriously, what the hell was wrong with him? And Sam called himself a loving boyfriend..."Sam, while I appreciate you coming to see me, did you HAVE to--"

"--all you'll own is earth until you can paint with all the colors...of...the...wiiii~iiiind." As the song ended, Edward wondered why it sounded more muffled than it should have. He didn't understand it. His ear buds were in, they hadn't had any fort of problems, the connector was securely in his--oh shit. The connector. Shit, shit, shit.

The surprised look on Sam's face only confirmed Edward's assumption, though a quick look down at his ear bud cord to see it no longer connected to his laptop might have helped a little bit. A groan sounded from the brunette, and he felt his cheeks heating up as he plucked the buds from his ears and slid down in his chair. What made it worse was that the music was blasting from the laptop, making Edward curse the fact that he was working in a cubicle while his office was being redone after an inspector found dangerous amounts of lead in the paint on the walls. Could this day get ANY more embarrassing?

Tap...tap, tap-tap. DING. CRAA-A-ACK. HHHWWWWWWITIT. Tap, tap tap tap tap tap, DIN. CRAA-A-ACK. RRRRRRRRRRIIIP-IP. The noises coming from the laptop served as a soundtrack to the coworkers walking by and looking in, confused looks on their faces at the scene before them. Some didn't even bother walking past, and instead just stood on their own chairs or desks and looked over the wall. Edward just slid further down the chair, his hand blocking out Sam's "ME GUSTA" face and some of the grins of his coworkers as they looked at each other. "Sam, I'm going to kill you," he muttered into his hand, only to get a reply of laughter.

"Aw, c'mon Ed," the blond said, getting off the desk and grabbing Edward under his armpits, pulling him back up. "Don't feel embarrassed; EVERYBODY likes Disney, especially when the songs are from something as cool as Tarzan." This brought Edward's hand down from his face and he looked at Sam, not caring that his glasses were now smudged with prints. The sight of Sam smiling an honest smile at him made the brunette feel a little less embarrassed. He still wanted to kill Sam for making him rip the ear buds out of the jack, even if it was an accident.

"Maybe, but it's not appropriate to be playing it during work when we all need to--"

"Shoo be doo, da beh da, doo beh doo, da be da da doo~o da!" A female voice suddenly rang out in time with the voice of Terk in the song, drawing all gazes in her direction. Head's began bopping to the beat and smiles came onto the faces of everyone in that particular space, with some people drumming on walls and desks with the music. Some men joined in with the woman, doing the other parts of the song, and soon, everybody was singing and playing along with the song. Hey, they had all been feeling the grind this week at work, why not take the chance to chill before it left?

Dragging his gaze back to Sam, Edward couldn't stop the small giggle that Sam's childish grin managed to elicit before his face became as serious as possible once again."Sam, as nice as it was to see you again, I've really got to get back to work and finish these--"

"Oh, c'mon," the blond said, hopping off of the desk and reaching down to pull Edward up to his feet. "You've been working since early this morning; I think it's time you took some advice from your coworker's and have a little fun." As much as Edward knew he should stand strong and not budge from his position, it was a little hard to do that when Sam was looking at him with those baby blues and that look that just BEGGED him to start his lunch break an hour early. With an annoyed huff that was offset by his amused grin, Edward just shook his head and turned to his laptop, adjusting iTunes before turning back to Sam

"Putting the entire playlist on repeat and shuffle should keep them occupied for a little bit, I think." Sam let out a hissed "Yesssssss" with an air punch at this before taking the shorter man's hand and quickly leading him out of the office.

"While they're occupied, I'll show you what makes the red man red, Ed," he told the younger as he quickly brought them to the nearest men's room. Edward just laughed and called him a dork as he followed Sam into the bathroom, moans and mewls of pleasure soon replacing his laughter.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

By the time they were done and were back in the office, the employees were still singing along with the songs, and had just started in on "Gaston." Nobody had noticed Sam and Edward leave, nor had they noticed the pair come back, and they especially hadn't noticed anything different about the young Dillinger. Had they payed attention, they would have noticed a couple of bruises marring his neck, courtesy of Sam and his talented mouth. No, they were all too preoccupied with having a gay old time singing to Disney songs to notice the pair slip into an empty cubicle and sit down in the chair there, Edward on Sam's lap with the blond's arms around him. "Really, Sam, you didn't have to leave those hickey's there," he half-heartedly complained as he laid his head against Sam's shoulder. He normally wouldn't be caught dead doing this in public with Sam, but the sex had been slow and hot instead of their usual at-work quickie, and he was feeling nice after that.

A chuckle and a kiss on his head was Sam's reply, as was the hold on the brunette becoming a little tighter, a little more possessive. "I've seen the way some of those guys and girls look at you, Ed. I had to show them you were mine, mine, mine."

Edward rolled his eyes and snorted at Sam, lifting his head up to look at the blond. "Possessive AND a Disney song geek...you really ARE a dork, Sam."

"Yeah...but I'm YOUR dork. Besides, NO ONE can fuck like Sam Flynn," he said with a wide, cheesy grin. Edward couldn't help but laugh at that for both the song title reference and how true it was.

'Can't argue with that,' he thought as the blond leaned in for a kiss that he gladly returned. When it was finished, they stayed where they were and held in their laughter as much as possible when they saw Richard Mackey, the current ENCOM chairman, come into the room and instantly get dragged into dancing with various employees, despite his protests for them to "stop this behavior at once" since it wasn't a "sanctioned ENCOM activity" for them to be taking part in.

Laying his head back on Sam's shoulder, Edward allowed his lips to stay in a smile as he heard Sam start to sing the song as well, though softer and with different lyrics than what everyone else was singing "Noooo oooooone fucks like Sam Flynn, sucks Ed off like Sam Flynn..."

END!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

HINT: Read the first paragraph, memorize it a bit, then imagine it while listening to "Trashing The Camp" on the Tarzan soundtrack.
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School, RP, Job Hunt...Please Kill Me
Dinkleberg
coralinthium
So school's almost ending, which is a good thing...but that means more studying to keep up grades, plus a project I really don't want to do, in the class where I love my classmates and my teacher but I hate the subject (maybe I really SHOULD have taken up a language for my humanities requirement instead of taking biomedical ethics...)...bah. Please, someone, stab me in the face. >.<

On the plus side, I've got a few job opportunities coming up, so I just need to get those applications and get them in and I'll hopefully get a call back. Even better is that I'll be taking up sign language either during the summer or my next semester, so get that as well as my anatomy/physiology class done and I can apply to take the test to get into my DMIR program--Diagnostic Medical Imaging Radiography. I can get good pay in the medical field but I don't need to be a doctor--fuck yeah. I can live on my own on eventually 50k a year. And with everybody wanting to be a nurse or a CMA or something like that, better job opportunities for me!

On another note, I really want to get a job not only to help my mom pay for classes at college, but to also get myself the Tron PS3 controller and the Tron: Evolution game, and hopefully Tron and Tron: Legacy on Blu-Ray. Woo!!

A Rose by Any Other Name...
Dinkleberg
coralinthium
...would take me a good number of tries to remember, unless it was a Na'vi rose; then I'd remember it immediately.

So I decided to name my electronics, like any normal person does (I mean, EVERYONE does it, right?), and I figured I'd better write them down somewhere so I don't forget them. What better place to write them down then here, on the interwebz? Gives me cloud storage of stuff so I don't have to waste paper.

Laptop = Vi'ran (Male)
iPod = Reverb (Male)
Voice Recorder = Replay (Male)
Phone = Static (Male)
32G Flash drive = Kelutral (Male)
Other flash drive = Vader/Darth Vader ('Cause it's actually shaped like Darth Vader...s'one of those Mimodrives)
Family Ford Freestyle = Frostbite (Male)
Family Chevy Malibu = Richter (Male)

Still working on my various gaming platforms, but it's getting there.

...They're all male. Is that saying something about me?

150 Things I'm Not Allowe To Do At Hogwarts
Dinkleberg
coralinthium
1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
3. Growing marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms is not not "an extra-credit project for Herbology".
4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Flitch's office is not appropriate.
6. I will not go to class skyclad.
7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule ball.
8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for bludgers.
13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years Defense Against the Dark Arts professor is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable as a sexual lubricant.
15. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.
16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of muggle life.
17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me lucky charms".
18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
20. I will not refer to the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
21. There is no such thing as were-thylacine.
22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts.
23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.
25. Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean that they are now mine, even if I yell "Pwnd!"
26. I am not a sloth Animagus.
27. I am not a tribble Animagus.
28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian Devil, or piranha.
29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
31. I do not have a Dalek patronus.
32. I will not lick Trevor.
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
34. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentats in training".
35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.
36. I will not change the password to the prefects bathroom to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility thong.
38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".

39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and then walking away is only funny the first time.
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
42. 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s
43. It is a bad idea to tell professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
48. I will not teach the first years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".
49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would've said so already.
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
51. I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy.
52. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetic Corp.
53. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's head.
54. My name is not Captain Subtext.
55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones".
56. I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as "Big Black Sexy Auror".
57. I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.
58. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.
59. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes professor.
60. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" around Draco Malfoy.
61. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the results might be.
62. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "Firewhiskey".
63. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
64. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
65. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.
66. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.
67. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder".
68. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
69. First years should not be encouraged to make friends with the Whomping Willow.
70. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.
71. I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slythering House mascot.
72. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not raise my wand and shout "There can only be ONE!"
73. I should not refer to DADA teachers as "canaries in the coal mine."
74. I will not say the phrase "Dude get a life," to Lord Voldemort.
75. I will not put books of Muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
76. There is not, nor has their ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
77. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force."
78. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege."
79. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.
80. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.
81. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
82. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should answer.
83. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
84. I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.
85. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite amount of time" amusing in any sense.
86. I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.
87. A time turner is not a flux capacitor, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.
88. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.
89. I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.
90. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
91. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."
92. When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce "These are not the droids you are looking for."
93. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.
94. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.
95. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Lord Voldemort.
96. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse just to see what happens.
97. I will not claim that there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
98. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.
99. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
100. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
101. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup and Bubbles.
102. I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing.
103. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.
104. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and start taking bets on which house will come out alive.
105. I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals.
106. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
107. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slythering Quidditch matches.
108. I will not tell the first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
109. I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing near the fire in the Common Room.
110. I will not tell the first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.
111. I will not yell "Believe it...or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.
112. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.
113. My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
114. There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.
115. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.
116. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.
117. Voldemort is not Ganondorf, and the Triforce is not hidden at Hogwarts.
118. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmancy exams.
119. I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.
120. I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".
121. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
122. "Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.
123. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
124. I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.
125. I am not allowed to reenact famous battle of the Revolutionary War in the Charms corridor.
126. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug a Slytherin Day.
127. I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the Enchanter.
128. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.
129. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.
130. It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!" every time I Apparate.
131. I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
132. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.
133. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".
134. I will not teach the first years to play The Penis Game in the Great Hall during dinner.
135. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.
136. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.
137. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
138. I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.
139. I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.
140. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.
141. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
142. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
143. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
144. The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.
145. It is not necessary to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor.
146. "Y'all check this here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
147. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"
148. I am not King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
149. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni!" from various directions.
150. Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn my any house points.

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